bluebird by Charles Bukowski

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I’m not going
to let anybody see
you.
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he’s
in there.

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody’s asleep.
I say, I know that you’re there,
so don’t be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he’s singing a little
in there, I haven’t quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it’s nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don’t
weep, do
you?

new year

"Impatiently, I launched myself out of the chair, too angry, too confused, to sit

any longer; despite the heat, I stalked the floor, childishly desiring to kick

all the odd objects that cluttered it--artifacts, footstools, paintings--

out of my path-- what can you gain by showing me these photographs?"

From Alice I have Been by Melanie Benjamin

My fortune for 2012 via Radish King wonderwoman Rebecca Loudon

Prescient in that I've been writing and reading Sontag's Regarding The Pain

of Others on war photography and looking.

11/11/11

I've been thinking about soldiers for awhile now.

diary

Diary (2010) from Tim Hetherington on Vimeo.

Tim Hetherington

1970-2011

roland

Roland Barthes

By Carol Ann Davis

The boy with his mother in the photo,
the boy with riding boots and a long path behind him
leading to the seashore in fall,

whose legs tangle below the knee his mother's skirts—
wisteria stitched in into twill—he is in some difficulty
now that world is mostly gone. Everyone has a mother, sure.

But does everyone creep into the crook of her arm
as if to live there, does everyone,
arriving home in the afternoons, say voila! l am here!

and from the other room know
her head is full of birds? I am saying know
with certainty. Trailing about each of us

the very possibility of evaporation. Surely not everyone
blooms inside such stillness. Paris can bustle all it wants.
The boy is no longer a photo—I should say

is no longer with his mother in the photo. The legend of the boy,
a man who's had something to say some years running
about the nature of perception

is quiet now. How alarming the empty house,
how nearly debilitating the checkout girl's train
of sable hair. Get up and lick the air—there's no one there

to tell him!—go back with your arms
full of apples. With your arms full of apples
find some reason within reason

to touch her.

check up

self-exam (my body is a cage)

Do this: take two fingers, push them into

the spot behind your ear, the spot

your skull drops off

into that valley of muscle

& nerve-this is the muscle that holds up

the skull, that nods the dumb bone

this way & that

when you think you under-

stand, when you think you get it-press deeper

into the gristle, find that little bundle of

nerves-the nerves

that make you blink at day-

light, that make your tongue slide in &

out when you think you're in

love, when you think you need a drink, touch

that spot as if you had an itch

as if it were a button, as if you were

an elevator, close your eyes &

listen, please, close

your eyes-can you hear it? We think our souls live

in boxes, we think someone sits behind our eyes,

lording from his little throne, steering the fork to

the mouth, the mouth to the tit, we think hungry

children live in our bellies, clutching their empty

bowls as the food rains

down, we sometimes think we are those

hungry children, we think

we can think anything & it won't

matter, we think we can think cut out her tongue,

then ask her to sing

By Nick Flynn

from the captain asks for a show of hands

again

Looking again and revising is what I'm about

this month. That's the work: to return again

and again and look and shape and rearrange

add subtract add back take away multiply

I've a plan and a list and folders so it's

happening it's spring and the typewriter

above is from Shakespeare & Co Paris

a little confessional of revision where

I'll go in my mind to finish what's been started.

balancing

What Should We Do?

Gratefully, I acknowledged that my doubts had kept me from going all aswim in
contentment over such givenness as prevailed everywhere one turned.
MARCEL TOULET

Since everything had gotten so much worse,
I tried to take in at least some one thing
to make out how we came to where we were,
with the result that, on my walk that morning,
which I take solemnly every day, over toward the creek
that rises beyond the highway then disappears
into the forest behind us, to reemerge
two or three blocks away in tiny cataracts
beside a yellow house with a gazebo,
I resourcefully recollected that the French
for garbage can sounds like a word for a tiny
blue iris a couple might name their daughter after,
so that when I tried to articulate that moment
in my semiyearly letter to my friend Marcel,
who lives near Montbourbier in the Dordogne,
with its otherworldly river and black cliffside,
I could not imagine how I would convey
with any force in his own vivacious tongue
that we had tumbled into the garbage can of history—
nous sommes tombés dans la poubelle de l'histoire
simply would not do—so I wrote instead
how my wife and I welcomed the news that our plan
to come over to search for leases with options to buy
would coincide with the birth of a new grandchild
who might look back on these as times of triumph,
with or without tumbrels rumbling in order to have it.

By michael heffernan

Monday

Staff Sgt. Metz

Metz is alive for now, standing in line
at the airport Starbucks in his camo gear
and buzz cut, his beautiful new
camel-colored suede boots. His hands
are thick-veined. The good blood
still flows through, given an extra surge
when he slurps his latte, a fleck of foam
caught on his bottom lip.

I can see into the canal in his right ear,
a narrow darkness spiraling deep inside his head
toward the place of dreaming and fractions,
ponds of quiet thought.

In the sixties my brother left for Vietnam,
a war no one understood, and I hated him for it.
When my boyfriend was drafted I made a vow
to write a letter every day, and then broke it.
I was a girl torn between love and the idea of love.
I burned their letters in the metal trash bin
behind the broken fence. It was the summer of love
and I wore nothing under my cotton vest,
my Mexican skirt.

I see Metz later, outside baggage claim,
hunched over a cigarette, mumbling
into his cell phone. He's more real to me now
than my brother was to me then, his big eyes
darting from car to car as they pass.
I watch him breathe into his hands.

I don't believe in anything anymore:
god, country, money or love.
All that matters to me now
is his life, the body so perfectly made,
mysterious in its workings, its oiled
and moving parts, the whole of him
standing up and raising one arm
to hail a bus, his legs pulling him forward,
all muscle and sinew and living gristle,
the countless bones of his foot trapped in his boot,
stepping off the red curb.

DORIANNE LAUX

multi-tasking

MONDOTEQUE

When I'm like zig zagging among stuff

and I can't find things in which pile

where/ on the desk, in the kitchen,

bed table/ car/ some place/

the work station above is what I yearn

for, with lots of drawers and com-

partments for different sized papers,

notebooks, postcards and photos,

binders, flashdrives whatever,

this man imagined it/a data-managing

collecting searching device/container

personal? cultural? whatever, could such

a desk? workstation? help me

be more organized, no doubt, my

system now is broken file cabinets

and canvas bags, and thank goodness

for the canvas bag, the various colors,

designs and causes enable my monkey mind

to recall oh yes, that's the paperwork

for blah/blah But I dilly dally now.